Saturday, 8 May 2010

I don't want to sound morbid

Been finding myself thinking about death quite a bit today, not in a particularly morbid way, just thinking about it. Obviously at the ripe old age of forty two I've experienced the loss of loved ones and friends alike. My Mum died quite a few years ago shortly followed by my Grandad and then my Nan. Years of drug abuse and even my years in recovery have put me in a position to see friends and people I've know pass away. What I've been thinking about is the way I behave, the way I cope when the inevitable happens.

At the moment a dear friend of mine is going through some really heavy stuff with his partner. It feels like I'm close enough to re connect with some of the feelings I've had in the past when I've lost loved ones. For-sure it's uncomfortable, to be honest the thought of death frightens me. I don't want to die and I don't want people I know to either. But I will, and so will they.

Like I said, I don't want to sound morbid. My blogs, like me, are mostly of the cheery type. I'm starting to think that although often very sad, death is not the end of the world. Unless of-course its you that's died. What it is however, is a certainty. It will happen, sooner or latter it will.

So where has my day of thoughts about death left me? I know when I'm feeling sad about someone whose gone, its all about me. How could it be anything else?  But ya know what? that's OK. It makes no difference, the point is I'm sad and it hurts. The real damage to me comes when I fail to acknowledge Im hurting, when I think its not OK to cry when I need to. The less I've tried to bottle everything up, the less I've needed to. Its about as simple as that.